This book. I’ve heard about it. It’s been recommended to me time and again. I haven’t allowed myself to get it until I had more assurance of a date to meet our boy. Having something more concrete in place for the future is powerful. It gives me something solid to stand on for our future.
Even with a date, it’s so scary to walk into the unknown. The “what ifs” that consume my mind at times are just too powerful. I’m a pro at forging forward and keeping myself busy. It’s good sometimes but there is power in listing the “what ifs” and acknowledging that I have zero control over some of them. Letting go of those and saying them out loud almost takes the zing out of their pervasive hits. Finding the ones I can control or will be able to handle in the future is equally powerful.
I say all of this because this part of our process is really hard and really scary but really beautiful and really sacred.
I get to have another kiddo.
I get to be a mama again.
The beauty.
The undeserving grace in that is tremendous.
It’s an honor I get to do this.
It’s been a difficult road leading to this point, and I’m sure there are many difficulties that lie ahead. But I’ve got to stay in the headspace that allows me to sit in awe and wonder. That our people have helped make our family’s dreams come true. Our people have helped tear down barriers and bust down walls standing in our way to get to our babe.
And to remember that I really have loved this boy from the moment I laid eyes on his sweet picture. The phenomena of falling in love with him across the ocean and thousands of miles is not lost on me. It’s breathtaking.
I have no clue what my feelings will be when we meet for the first time. Or when we have to say goodbye to him for a few more weeks while the waiting continues. But the “what ifs” can have no hold over a bond created by love half way around the world.
The feelings are real and raw over here in these last few weeks before we leave. I’m ever so grateful for the friends who reach out to check on my sanity and emotional state. If you guys aren’t careful, I might actually cry in front of someone. And that would just be the end of things.
Three weeks until we leave and just 25 days until I (hopefully) get to hug this boy of ours.
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